Gettin' The Finger

Wow. Utah drivers are reeeeeeeeal classy. I grew up a stone's throw from several multi-lane superhighways, but I've never been flipped off more in my life than I have in the four+ years I've spent driving the relatively meek Interstate 15 in Provo. Just this morning, as I backed out of my driveway on the way to church, I found myself on the receiving end of a one-fingered salute from a douchebag in a Suzuki Forenza. I know what you're thinking: Gee, I wonder if Sean has a theory as to why this is? Maybe something brilliant and insightful that I wouldn't have thought of on my own? Never fear, loyal readers. I have just such a theory. Here goes:

A) It all starts with peer pressure. Everywhere else in the world, outside of the Provo/Orem suburban area, "peer pressure" is a negative force that pushes teenagers and young adults to do bad things--drugs, alcohol, premarital sex, etc. However, in Utah Valley, peer pressure works the opposite way, forcing young people to live righteous lives in order to gain social acceptance.

B) At some point in every Mormon's life, the pressure of living a righteous lifestyle becomes too much to bear. But Mormons don't let off steam by heading to Vegas and sinning it up for a week or two, or going on a nice bender, or something healthy like that. We only have 2 places where we can let it all hang out without fear of judgment or reprisal: BYU Intramurals, and the airtight privacy of our own vehicles. (Ed. Note: We take out intramurals VERY seriously at BYU. I made brief mention of it in my first-ever blog post...I'm overdue for a column about Intramural pregame rituals and sundry other pathetic aspects of my life).

C) As such, our cars become hurtling containers of violence and angst, ready to be unleashed on pedestrians, other vehicles, small animals, etc.

This explains why, twice a week, I get the finger from temple-worthy members on their way to Home Teaching appointments. I generally try to give them a smile or a friendly wave, because I figure they're probably just nice people who are having a bad day. Plus, someone has to set a good example for our unborn child, because it certainly isn't gonna be my lovely wife. Summer is more likely to run someone off the road than give them a friendly wave. (Again, this is a side-effect of her all-around goodness everywhere else. I, on the other hand, can afford to be a kind and courteous driver, because I act like a jerk to everybody face-to-face). Friday night, on the way home from the Orem Owlz game, some idiot in a giant truck ( which happened to be bedazzled with stickers from the major Pittsburgh sports teams) passed her on the right with his middle finger hanging out the driver's side window. We met him at the stoplight, at which point he and Summer had the following exchange:

Summer: "Hey A-hole, learn how to drive!"

Idiot: "@*#% you!"

Summer: "Go shove it, you moron! STEELERS SUCK!"

Spoken like a true Seahawks fan. Leave it to Summer to emasculate a total stranger at a stoplight, make him question his loyalty to his favorite sports team, and sincerely think he's gonna get beat up by a girl--all at the same time! Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and talented Summer Anne Mosman!!!

And yes, for anyone who's wondered this in the past, Summer WOULD destroy me in a physical fight. Let's just hope it never comes to that. :)

Sean